I remember being appalled, her child was old enough that she could grab her mother’s shirt, pulling it down as she wrestled to get what she wanted— milk from her mother’s breast. I walked away from the evening dinner with our friends affronted by the child’s display of will, and by the mother’s calm acquiescence to her demands. “That child is too old to be breastfeeding” I declared emphatically to my husband as we drove away.
I was newly married and not yet a mother. 30 years old with an international career in non-profit work, I traveled, worked long hours, and lived with a freedom and flexibility I cherished. I wanted a family one day, but was threatened by the inevitability of a slower pace, that I’d be pressured by the institution of motherhood to let go of this life and identity that I’d worked so hard to build. Looking back on that younger version of myself, I wonder what was so offensive to her about a child communicating needs and a mother responding to meet them.
Our culture preaches the virtues of independence, efficiency, and autonomy. It says they are unquestioningly good and worthy, achievements. It transmutes these values into the role of motherhood. Sure, breastfeeding is fine, a utilitarian necessity – but it should be done tucked away in a room, and only for an appropriate amount of time.
Years later, I see the folly of my younger self, how wrong she, and the culture that was defining her, was. Although I’m proud of the mountains she conquered, she had no idea the journey yet to come and the courage it would demand.
Today, I stand in awe of slowness, of the beauty of dependence and sacrifice; the strength motherhood demands is so much more than I could have imagined. From trying to get pregnant to the 40 weeks of growing a life, from meeting that little guy and learning to sustain him with my body alone to the thrill of watching him discover independence with those first toddling steps— motherhood has broken me in two: the woman I was, so fearful of all she would lose, and the women I am now, fearless in love and not looking back.
Last night was the last time I nursed my 15-month old son. I’d sensed the day was coming… the feedings growing fewer and farther between. I began to have pain in my breasts, my son feeding for only a few seconds before turning away, as if there was no longer milk there. This most intimate time of connection was finally coming to a close, my little boy no longer needing me for sustenance.
In those first months of motherhood, when the nights were long and he would wake up every other hour, the pain was almost unbearable. There was the dreaded biting phase. And then we found ourselves in this final iteration, where he no longer needed nourishment, just the comfort and closeness of his mama before sleep. I will miss this – his little sounds of satisfaction, the way his head would grow heavy in my arms as he fell asleep. I will miss the way he patted me as he drank, the time together when he was calm and quiet. He seems to always be moving these days.
As a new mom, there were so many moments I doubted that I knew what to do next. But this unseen intuition, God’s beautiful design, was there at every turn guiding me wherever I had the courage to trust it. It has been my greatest joy to be your mommy, son. The tears come as I write this, as I say goodbye to this first season of life we have shared together, just me and you. I cry because we did it, and there were some moments I didn’t think we could. I saw my body expand, soften, and break to sustain you; to do what it knew instinctively to do. I am in awe of how God created you and I to work together, this little team bringing you into your own.
As you leave behind this season of being a baby, as you get more adventurous and take bigger risks, know that I will always be here to cheer you on, hoping you come back for a hug now and then, but always nudging you out into the world that is yours to change!
Are you just starting out on your breastfeeding journey? These resources were a tremendous support and community for me along the way:
Milkology has an incredible online course that covers everything you need to know about breastfeeding. I’ll admit breastfeeding was something I was very intimidated by, some moms make it sound like rocket science! Milkology walks you through what you can expect and educates you on how to troubleshoot any difficulties that could come up as you are getting started.
The crew at Legendary Milk are amazing and I learned so much from their posts and free resources. They also have some amazing supplements! I truly recommend them to every first-time mom!
La Leche League Intl is a respected organization and helpful resource on all things breastfeeding! Questions from alcohol intake to storing breast milk in the freezer vs fridge– they answer it all!
