When an unexpected crisis happens to someone I love, I am quickly reminded that this life is fragile and no one is guaranteed tomorrow, much less a pain-free life.
Listen, those of you who are boasting, “Today or tomorrow we’ll go to another city and spend some time and go into business and make heaps of profit!” But you don’t have a clue what tomorrow may bring. For your fleeting life is but a warm breath of air that is visible in the cold only for a moment and then vanishes! James 4:13-14
When Crisis Happens
Just three months before I married my husband I got a call from my best-friend that I will never forget, her husband was leaving her for another woman. This man whom I respected and loved so much was doing the unthinkable and walking out on his wife, my best friend. In a moment when I was blissfully happy and excitedly planning my wedding and my future with my husband, when I most wanted my best friend beside me to gush and celebrate my love story— her life was falling apart as her marriage unraveled. It was one of the hardest seasons I’d walked through with someone close to me.
We determined that we would be there for each other, I would cry with her and she would rejoice with me. To this day it is one of the most treasured experiences I have walked through with a friend, a beautiful mix of sadness and joy, one not taking away from the other.
There were many days when she would cry on the phone with me, or call me in the middle of the night when the pain felt crushing. Her pain scared me, there were moments when I felt doubts about love— what if I too, would be abandoned one day? But we walked through the pain, daily reminding each other of the truth of God’s promises. On my wedding day she was beside me celebrating my marriage with hope in her heart for my future and her own. We were all reminded anew of the supernatural power of a covenant when Christ is at the center.
Divorce, Death, and a Diagnosis
Why do I share this story? Because people are hurting, we all know someone who’s going through some phase of a divorce, experiencing infertility, or dealing with a gut-wrenching diagnosis. And what they don’t need is someone taking their “side” and ripping on the other spouse, or offering up empty platitudes of false comfort, or trying to distract them with a bottle of wine or another momentary diversion. What they need is a friend.
But how do we be a friend when someone’s life is in crisis— when the cancer diagnosis comes, when there is betrayal, when there is a miscarriage?
We have to admit that it isn’t natural to run towards the house that’s on fire. Most of us want to run away from the crisis, to insulate ourselves from pain and discomfort. We spend a great deal of our money, time, and energy building a comfortable and safe life. We purchase insurance for all of life’s unexpecteds, not wanting to be caught off-guard. But there are no guarantees for a happy, pain-free life. And so when the challenges arrive for someone we love, we can feel threatened by their pain, as if it will swallow us up with them.
In these moments, one thing is needed above all else: compassion.
Compassion’s Cost
Compassion has been defined as our willingness to suffer with another. Throughout the New Testament, when Jesus was moved with compassion it was always followed by action; whether miraculous provision, healing, or the weeping that led Jesus to call Lazarus out of the grave. Compassion moves us past the sentiment of “feeling sorry for someone” and into the costly place of saying “your pain, is my pain”. This sacrificial, uncomfortable kind of togetherness doesn’t come naturally to most but when we see Jesus’ compassion for us, it compels us to share it with those in pain around us.
To further understand the transformative power of compassion, check out Henri Nouwen’s incredible writings on Compassion.
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How To Compassionately Respond To Those In Crisis:
Pray first.
Before you speak, pray. This isn’t easy in the current cultural climate where everyone loves to offer up a quick opinion, but try to restrain yourself! Before cheap words roll off your lips offering up opinions and advice, try talking to the Lord in prayer.
Seek the council of heaven, hear what is on God’s heart for your friend, identify with their pain and let it compel you into intercession on their behalf. As you pray, let the Lord root out any false conceptions, judgements, and opinions that may be clouding your view. Humble yourself and ask God to intervene and help you love your friend. Perhaps there is perspective and wisdom from Heaven that will better equip you to love and care for your friend in their moment of need.
Remember, You Do Not Have to Have The Answers
When someone we love is in crisis our natural tendency is to try and fix it, to ease their pain and bring comfort by offering solutions. But for the life that is falling apart, there is no easy solution, no quick fix, and no amount of money that will ease the pain. There is only time that must pass as they put one foot in front of the other and begin the long and arduous journey of passing through to healing.
It’s not easy, but we must avoid our propensity to prescribe solutions to another person’s problem.
Avoid the list of things you would do in their situation, you’re not. Instead: pray, listen, and be present.
Come Close
Jocelyn texted me yesterday; she loved her husband but was separating from him until he got the help he needed. She was letting me know because she needed support. In all honesty, I felt sorry for her and my next thought was, “I’m glad its not me” and then a temptation to distance myself from her pain. After spending some time praying for her I knew I had to come close.
Sometimes we want to stay away, give someone their space and not intrude upon something so intimate as pain. However, if we all did that, the person would have no one. In truth, moments we feel tempted to pull away are usually the exact time that we need to draw close. Compassion says “I don’t have the answers, I don’t know how to fix this problem, but I will come close so that you know you are not alone in this crisis”.
Don’t Pass Judgement
Sam recently had her second child. In her words, the first few months were “terrible”. What was first thought to be colic, continued and developed into gastrointestinal issues. Nursing caused her baby so much pain he’d cry for hours and hours on end. Mom and Dad were completely overwhelmed, the baby wasn’t gaining weight and the solution was complex and not quickly resolved.
Every mother wants to enjoy her baby, to have a sunny disposition when a friend asks “how are you adjusting to the new baby” expecting a response full of the joys of life with a newborn. But my friend didn’t have it. She was in the middle of some of the hardest days of her life and what she needed was a loving friend who wouldn’t judge her or offer a laundry list of what she should be doing differently.
This is probably one of the hardest things for us to resist, our propensity to pass judgement. We hear of challenges like this in motherhood or in marriage and we pass judgement on what the mother is doing wrong; imagining what you would do differently. We don’t do this maliciously, but it happens easily. For people in crisis, the sting of those judgements can be just as painful as the actual trial and cause them to feel even more alone and isolated than they already are. We overcome our propensity to judge through prayer, compassion and open ears ready to listen. If this is your propensity you must be self-aware and proactive to cut it off at the onset.
Offer Practical Help
Once we have identified with the pain of our friends in prayer and encouraged them that they are not alone, offering practical support to meet their seen and unseen needs can be a great way to rally around them. Make a home-cooked meal, send a door-dash gift card, organize the Go Fund Me, order a cleaning service or offer to do some projects around the house for the mom who’s husband has left. These thoughtful ideas can make a huge difference in the emotional ups and downs of a crisis.
Give Space and Time for Grief
Grief affects all of us differently. There is no “right” way to grieve, no allotted time when a person should be on the other side of their pain. For a mother who has miscarried, one woman might need to stay silent as she processes the loss of a child she loved but never met; while another woman heals as she verbally process every emotion. No two journeys are the same. Grief is layered and arduous for one while more expedient for another.
Be a safe space for your friend to process or to be silent knowing that you are near and with them in the reality of their crisis. Don’t rush them to sort through it, don’t prescribe a way through, simply be a compassionate presence in the middle. A friend who, at the end, will bear witness to the redemptive story God has written. However long it takes we can be assured of one thing, Jesus is able and willing to turn our pain into something more beautiful than anything we can imagine.
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