At 11 weeks into my first pregnancy, I was feeling pretty amazing other than some fatigue here and there, My best friend was visiting us in Florianopolis and on the morning of her last day we set off on a hike that we knew had a small waterfall at the end of it. In the chilly winter of southern Brazil, the air was crisp and the jungle damp as we explored the winding trail that ran alongside a lazy creek.
Knowing the waterfall was at the end, I had full-intentions to jump into the ice water claiming my title to “waterfall jumper”. But not 30 minutes later as I stood at the top of the small falls and looked down 20 feet to the water below, I suddenly felt a paralyzing fear… “what-if’s” began to race through my mind, what if this could harm my baby, what if it wasn’t deep enough, what if I slipped as I jumped, what if I was being reckless….
I had just watched my best-friend and husband safely jump in and swim out the deep pool with no problems, I am in good shape and regularly running 5 kilometers in my young pregnancy, I’m not showing yet, and more than that I felt a deep peace and knowing that this little jump wasn’t dangerous at all. And yet the choice was before me… give in to my fear and use the baby as a legitimate excuse to not jump, an act that I knew would be lying to myself, or overcome my fear and make the tiny jump that felt as high as a mountain to my fear-filled eyes.
As I looked over the edge, the significance of the moment became apparent to me. Pregnancy, birth, motherhood, a tiny human to nourish, protect, and lead… all completely new experiences and with them a million reasons to fear. Fear of miscarriage, fear of the pain of birth, fear of making a mistake in parenting. In a single moment I knew that fear could easily be my constant companion over this next season of pregnancy, birth and early motherhood… It would be understandable and no one would blame me for being protective or cautious. But I would know my heart, I would know that that caution was birthed in fear and not wisdom or peace. (Continue reading here)
