When Everything is Shaken
The big transitions and events of life often bring disruption to the status quo, causing us to examine the substance of our lives. Whether its a move to another city, a transition to another job, or the arrival of babies and an entrance into motherhood— these life-altering shifts have a way of shaking things up and not everything survives the shaking. No area is more vulnerable and at the same time necessary for our mental, emotional, and spiritual health than friendship.
In our current context of a global pandemic, we’ve collectively seen our lives come to a grinding halt. We’ve been cut-off from physical relationships; the isolation has taken a toll on many. The substance of true friendships are easily able to span this chasm if their foundations are solid.
You Are Made For Relationship.
The incarnation is the greatest example of friendship. Jesus’ entire ministry and life was a resounding declaration that He wanted friendship and relationship with His people. Jesus doesn’t need anything from us, we literally have nothing to offer Him or add to the perfect relationship He has with His Father and Holy Spirit; yet He wants relationship, nearness, and communion with us for His glory. This kind of relationship was costly- costing Him His very life. It was also active, not passive; Jesus didn’t wait for us to have it all together and come looking for Him, He met us in our need, with nothing to offer and gave us Himself. Following His example is the great invitation He extends to us today. (John 15: 13-15)
Accidental Friendships
Aristotle famously developed the idea of two kinds of “accidental friendships”; friendships based on “utility” and “pleasure”. In a friendship of utility, people associate because of mutual usefulness; this could be the co-worker who sits next to you at work and makes the day more pleasant, or the moms you chat with as your kids play soccer together.
In the second example, Aristotle looked at friendships of pleasure— those we associate with for mutual delight; such as the girl you play intramural softball with. These friendships aren’t wrong but they are based on self-interests and are often shallow. When the useful purpose or pleasurable activity has ended, so does the relationship. These types of friendships are accidental because they mostly develop passively and cost us little than the pursuit of our own interests and passions.
What Is The Substance Of Our Friendships?
Perhaps as you’ve lived through this moment of social-distancing and quarantine, without the normal activities and friends to bump into throughout your day. This is an opportunity to take a deeper look at your relationships. Are they mostly based in convenience and centered around your own self-interests? If so, the ache for relationship can be painful, and the feelings of loneliness overwhelming. There can be grief over the ways we’ve settled for shallow relationships that are short-lived. Those feelings are real, but they don’t have to stay there; you were made for relationships. Make a decision to be the friend you wish you had.
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Be The Friend You Wish You Had
Aristotle developed the idea of a third kind of friendship and one that Jesus’ example also invites us into: friendships of virtue. This third type is one based on the mutual good of another and exists not for usefulness or pleasure but solely for the sake of friendship; often sharing a set of shared values. These friendships are founded on honor, encouragement, servanthood, nurturing and support. Isn’t this the friendship we all desire and in fact, need? But what keeps us from it?
The truth is we are busy. We are self-interested, we want fast results and quick-fix bullet points. True friendships demand the opposite, they required nurturing and investment over time in order to grow and flourish. As you take stock of the quality of relationships in your life, consider taking action in these three areas:
INITIATE
Instead of waiting for friends to reach out out to you, take action and initiate with them. Be the friend you wish you had in this moment. If you are feeling lonely, consider those in your life who might also be lonely and give them a call, write a thoughtful note or reach out with an act of kindness.
RISK VULNERABILITY
Brene Brown wonderfully says that “vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; its our greatest measure of courage”. There it is, that yucky word that many of us avoid at all costs— vulnerability. Yet, the deeper waters of friendship require it because being vulnerable means that we are letting ourselves be seen; in our weaknesses, our fears, our failures, and in the deepest places we hide and then present ourselves as “put-together’. True friendship will cost the lowering of our walls and the giving of our true selves. This is risky. Be the friend you wish you had and take the first step toward vulnerability, open your heart, open your life, and let another person be with you in those vulnerable places.
BE CONSISTENT
Trust takes time and friendship will require continuous investment which is rare in our busy world today. Don’t be surprised when friendship isn’t immediately reciprocated. Be the friend you wish you had and consistently pursue another. Show up again and again and water those seeds of friendship until something beautiful begins to grow.
Originally written for: MommaLove.org
